


we all just want to live (and be loved at our worst).

by milominderbinder



Series: thirty days of skam fic [16]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Even's parents are lovely and supportive, Healthy Relationships, Isak Takes Care of Even, Isak Valtersen Loves Even Bech Næsheim, Living Together, M/M, References to Past Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 18:16:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11258295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milominderbinder/pseuds/milominderbinder
Summary: A year later, Even goes through another episode.  Through the worst of his depression, Isak takes care of him -- maybe not perfectly, and maybe not with total confidence that he knows what he's doing, but withlove.At lunchtime, Even’s stomach rumbles -- he doesn’t say anything about it, but Isak goes to the kitchen and gets a bowl of dry cereal, because simple food still seems good and they’re also still out of milk. When Isak sits back down, he notices that Even’s eyes are turned more towards the laptop, looking just a little bit engaged in the silly show playing out on screen.Small steps, Isak thinks, smiling down at his textbook.  Small victories.





	we all just want to live (and be loved at our worst).

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back! this is the longest fic in this series yet, which explains why it took me a few extra days to post it #whoops. okay, so far in this series everything has been ridiculously fluffy, but this is a bit more of a serious one. it's still essentially sweet cus i'm incapable of writing evak conflict, but please be warned that even is going through a depressive episode throughout this whole fic. there are some very small references to his past suicide attempt, and just general talk of depression. please be mindful if that might be rough for you!
> 
> all that said, i am not someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, but i have had serious clinical depression, so writing even like this is quite near and dear to my heart. i'm sure this won't be the last fic i write on this topic, but i really hope you enjoy it ❤️❤️

It’s a while before Even’s next episode.  

Since December he’s been taking his pills, drinking less, smoking less, sleeping on a more regular schedule -- everything he’s supposed to do to keep his brain chemistry as balanced as possible. It gets even better when Isak and Even move in together, because life just develops even more of a routine.  They might be two messy boys with no real clue how to take care of themselves, but they fall so easily into domesticity; Isak never tries to control what Even is doing, he still remembers too clearly exactly what had gone wrong with Sonja before him, but he doesn’t think it counts when he lures Even to bed early so they can cuddle every night, or steals his weed and refuses to give it back until Even has given him fifty kisses, by which time they’re far too distracted to smoke anyway.  Things are going well, and not just for Even, but for both of them.  Life has a balance.

So for a while, they live in the sort of happy-messy-soft-real-blissful world that they’ve created together.  Even graduates from Nissen, and Isak is ridiculously proud, and they enjoy the summer together before Isak has to go back to school and Even starts working more, making the most of his gap year.  It’s not like Isak  _ forgets  _ that Even is bipolar, but he doesn’t think about the possibility of Even having an episode all that much either, because they’re still living in the moment.  Isak is happy for every day he gets to spend with Even, no matter if he wakes up the next morning and it’s all gone to hell again.

In the end, that’s not how it happens, anyway.  Isak doesn’t wake up to Even’s mania, because Isak is on a school trip with his German class when it happens.  He’d moaned and groaned and dragged his heels about going on the trip  _ anyway,  _ because being apart from Even for a whole week seemed like the most awful thing in the world, but eventually he’d given in.  

Over the week, he kind of knows something is up, because of Even’s texts.  At first they’re pretty normal, except more frequent, and at odd times of night -- then, by day three, Even has started sending Isak song lyrics again.  He does that quite often so it’s not unusual by itself, but when he sends the whole song line-by-line and then ignores Isak’s responses, Isak knows something is up.  He texts Even’s parents, and they say they’ve checked up on Even and everything is under control, but they don’t say anything else after that.  Even doesn’t text him again, either.

Isak tries not to be worried, because Even has gone through this before and his parents know what to do and it’s all going to be fine, but somehow it’s even scarier being so far removed from the situation.  Isak doesn’t know what’s happening, or what’s going through Even’s mind, or how he can help -- but all he can do is hope everything’s alright and wait for the trip to be over.  It drags on far too long, and Isak couldn’t care less about German class anymore.  He only wants to get home to his boyfriend.

Even had originally promised he was going to welcome Isak home stark-naked with dinner already on the table, but Isak isn’t surprised when Wednesday evening rolls around and he finally returns home to a dark, empty flat.  There’s a note on the table from Even’s parents.

_ Isak -- we didn’t want to worry you while you were away, but Even is at our house.  Everything is alright.  Feel free to come by when you get back, or call us to see how he’s doing, whatever you prefer.  We hope you had a lovely trip.  Love, Liv and Rune. _

Isak doesn’t even take off his coat.  He just dumps his bags, turns around, and heads right out the door again to go and find Even.

\-----

It turns out, he’s missed the whole of Even’s manic episode.  “It was a mild one, compared to what you saw last year,” Liv assures him, when Isak turns up on the doorstep.  She insists on dragging him to the kitchen and making two cups of tea before he can go to Even’s room, because Even hasn't been drinking much, according to her.  The fact that his mania wasn't so bad doesn't really reassure Isak much.  That's no guarantee the depression will be easier this time around.

When Isak finally says goodnight to Liv and gets to Even's room, all he sees is a lanky boyfriend-shaped lump under a duvet in Even's rickety cabin bed.  

"Hi, Even," Isak says, voice soft.  "It's just me."

There's no response.  Isak abandons the cups of tea and climbs up the ladder, peering into the mess of the bed.  From underneath a pillow, he sees Even's eyes half-open, and watching him dully.

Isak decides there's no point in any more talking.  He just squishes himself uncomfortably into the other side of Even's single bed, and together, they fall asleep.

\-----

Even sleeps through the whole night, so Isak stays, too.  Despite everything going on, despite how worried he is and despite the fact that he’s crushed into the bars of a bunkbed that was never meant to be shared between two fully grown boys, Isak actually sleeps better than he had the whole time he was away.  Despite Even being a mostly unresponsive lump under a duvet, he’s still the most calming presence in Isak’s life.

The next morning, Isak wakes up long before Even.  He lies there for a little while, stroking the soft baby hairs at the edge of Even’s temple and watching him sleep, before finally carefully climbing out of the bed to go and use the bathroom.  Then he heads to the kitchen, where he can hear Liv making breakfast.  She gives him a hug.

“Maybe you can get him to eat some toast,” she says, offering Isak a worried little smile as she slices up some bread. Isak really likes Liv. He actually doesn't know where he'd be without both Even’s parents these days. So though he doesn't like the idea of  _ getting _ Even to do anything he doesn't want to, he can at least deliver a plate of toast that will probably go uneaten if it's gonna make Liv feel better. 

“I was thinking about asking if he wants to go home today, now that I'm back,” Isak says, voice coming out a little too tentative as he takes a sip of the cup of tea Liv has just handed him. “I know, uh, I know I might not have handled it so well last year, and maybe you don't want me just looking after him like this, but I think I've learned a lot more since then and I --”

“Isak.” Liv’s voice is always so soft; it's eternally obvious where Even got his warmth from. “It's not that we don't  _ trust _ you with him or something, of course not. I think being with you actually really helped Even last time. And you're welcome to stay here with him too, you know that. It's just that we know how difficult it can be to see him like this, and we have much more experience dealing with it. Plus, I know you have school. Me and Rune can trade off our work shifts so there's always someone here to keep an eye on him.”

Neither of them say what they're both skirting around, what Isak knows now that he didn't know the last time he was dealing with this; that when Even is depressed, he doesn't just need people around to keep an eye on him for no reason. It’s less about having someone there to make cups of tea, and more about having someone there to make sure Even doesn't _hurt_ himself. Isak doesn't think Even would attempt suicide again, not really; his life is so different now to how it had been when things got that bad before. But if Even’s brain chemistry rather than Even himself is calling the shots, there's always a chance. And after the long, long talk they had after everything went down with the Bakka boys and Even finally felt like sharing that part of his past, Isak can't deny that the mere thought of losing Even that way scares the shit out of him.  

But despite all that, he’d still rather have Even at home.

“My attendance is good.  I can just skip tomorrow as well, and then it's the weekend,” Isak reasons, not quite meeting Liv’s eyes. “If -- if he's still feeling really bad on Monday, maybe he could come back here then, I guess?  I just thought it might be better to be home for a bit.”  

Liv settles her soft eyes on him for a minute, and Isak feels oddly like he's being assessed.

“Okay, honey,” she eventually says, just as the toast pops up. “Whatever Even wants.”

\-----

Even hasn't moved at all when Isak steps back into the room. Isak can immediately tell he's not gonna eat the toast Liv had insisted on, but he brings it over anyway, balancing it nearby and then climbing back up the ladder into Even’s shaky bunkbed.

Even is completely curled up under the duvet so that he’s nothing more than a tuft of blonde hair sticking out of the top, so Isak lifts the corner and sticks his own head under there too, pressing forwards until he’s nose-to-nose with Even in the dark, stuffy space under the blankets.  Even’s breath smells pretty bad but Isak’s just happy that he _is_ still breathing, under here. 

“Hi, baby,” Isak says, voice quiet.  Even doesn’t say anything back, but his eyes do open, meeting Isak’s gaze in the dim light.  “I was wondering if you want to come home today, or if you want to stay here?  It’s fine either way, I just figured it might be more comfy at home.  What do you think?”

This is one of the most important things Isak has learned, from Even and from life in general, about dealing with Even’s mental illness.  It’s _asking_ him.  No matter if Even doesn’t always feel like responding, making assumptions about what he needs is just never going to end well.  Even doesn’t respond for a few long minutes, but his eyes stay open and Isak can tell that he’s thinking, so he just lays there quietly and waits. 

Eventually, Even opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.  “It’s okay,” Isak says, reaching over to curve one of his hands around the side of Even’s neck.  “Do you think you could just nod if you feel like coming home with me?”

It takes another eon, but eventually, Even nods.

\-----

Even’s dad drives them home, Even all bundled up in his pyjamas and blankets in the front seat of the car while Isak sits behind him and occasionally reaches forwards to stroke his hair.  But Rune doesn’t linger after dropping them off, and after that, being alone together feels much more real.   It takes longer than normal to get up the stairs to their flat, let alone do anything else, but it’s alright.  Isak keeps silent, because he doesn’t have anything to say that will make any of his better.

Once they get inside, Even just heads right to the bed, crawling under the tangled up duvet that had been haphazardly left there whenever Even left last week.  He seems fine over there, so Isak takes a minute to actually look around the flat, which he hadn’t done after getting back from his trip.  There’s nothing massive to suggest that Even’d gone through a manic episode, except that their shoddy dining chairs have been painted a sunny yellow colour, which they definitely weren’t when Isak left.  Isak hadn’t wanted to ask Even’s parents about exactly what had happened for them to find it necessary to take Even back to their place; if Even wants to talk about it himself when he’s feeling better, he will.

Content that nothing drastic has happened to their home, Isak goes over to kiss Even’s shoulder through the duvet for a moment.  He smoothes his hand down what he assumes is Even’s arm -- though it’s all very tangled in blankets and it could be a leg for all he knows -- but then moves away again.  It’s impossible to really give Even  _ space  _ in their one-room flat, but they’d talked about it after last year, and Even had said one of the nicest things about spending his time at the Kollektiv when he was depressed was when Isak was just in the same room, but doing something completely separate, and focusing on Even.  It’s the difference between being there for someone and  _ hovering  _ over someone, Isak supposes.

So he sets about unpacking his luggage from the school trip, balling up his already crumpled hoodies and stuffing them into the overflowing dresser next to their bed, plugging his chargers back into the sockets, shoving some of the notes he took into his school bag.  He transfers all the unavoidably dirty stuff into their hamper; there’s definitely enough to start a load of washing, but Isak doesn’t want to go down to the basement and leave Even alone just yet, so he just sets the hamper by the door and ignores it.  

Next he goes to the kitchen and empties all the pasta in their cupboards into a pan, pouring boiling water on top -- boiling water from the  _ kettle  _ Sana had given him for his last birthday.  He hovers over the pasta and stirs it occasionally while it cooks, and then separates it in half, adding vegetables and tomato sauce to one lot, just cheese to the other, because he doesn’t know if Even’s going to feel like eating anything complicated or if he’ll just want super plain options.  It makes about six portions, and he puts them all in separate tupperwares in the fridge.  Isak is no master chef, but he knows how to make pasta -- and most importantly, it’s something that’s easy to keep and easy to heat up.  If Even wants food he can just go and grab one of those out of the fridge, no stress, even if Isak has gone out for a bit.

It’s really just something to occupy himself, but Isak feels better for doing it.  As he methodically cleans up everything he’d just used to cook, Isak looks across the short distance to the bed, watching Even shift under the covers, huffing a loud breath occasionally.  His head is now visible, and his eyes are half open, watching Isak move around the room.

“I just made pasta for the fridge,” Isak explains.  If he was feeling better, Even would be endlessly teasing about Isak actually getting in front of a stove.  As it is, he doesn’t say anything, but one of his eyebrows raises ever so slightly as he looks at Isak, a shadow of the disbelieving expression he sometimes adopts.  It’s tiny, but that small recognition that it really is still  _ Even  _ in there has Isak beaming.  “Uh, some is plain, and some has veggies.  So if you get hungry at all, you can just grab some of that straight out, yeah?  Unless -- do you fancy anything else?  We have, uh -- well, the bread’s gone mouldy, but I think we have yogurt, and, um, cereal but no milk.”

Isak hadn’t really thought about their grocery situation when he turned down all Liv’s offers to send them home with food.  But they’ve got enough to last them a couple of days at least, and he’d rather have Even in his sights than pop out to the shops just to get milk.  Anyway, Even isn’t showing any interest in any of the stuff Isak has listed off, so Isak just pours out the last of the orange juice from the fridge and brings it over.  He’s not sure how long it’s been since Even ate something proper, but at least juice has a few vitamins and things in it.

“Try to drink that, if you’re up for it,” he says, a bit quiet.  Isak is all too aware that he’s still no expert in this.  He likes to think of himself as an expert in _Even,_ these days, but that’s not really the whole truth if he still feels so uncertain of how to tread when Even is depressed.  Or maybe it’s not that -- maybe it’s just that there _is_ no perfect way to deal with this, and the two of them just have to get through it together, as best they can. 

Isak reaches down to stroke Even’s hair away from his temples, watching with adoration as Even’s eyes drift closed again.

Then, because there’s nothing else to really do, Isak goes over to their TV and puts on a movie.  He picks something he thinks Even will like, despite the fact that Even has his eyes closed and doesn’t give any response when Isak asks if he wants to watch something.  One of the plus sides of their flat being so tiny is that the bed is where the TV is meant to be watched from  _ anyway,  _ so if Even does feel like paying attention, or just drifting in and out and occasionally appreciating a cheesy rom-com joke, he’ll be able to.

Isak sits on the floor with his back against the bed, and watches the whole movie through.  It’s not the kind of thing he’d ever choose for himself, but his mind goes a little bit blank, and he only really comes back to reality halfway through when he gets a message from the group chat with the guys, asking why Isak isn’t in school.  Isak messages back with a simple  _ even not feeling well, i’ll probably be back on monday  _ and then puts his phone on silent.

When the movie finishes, he turns off the TV, and looks up at Even again.  He’s fast asleep; his breathing has evened out, and he looks relaxed, if not happy, where he’s snuggled into the pillow. 

So despite the fact that it’s the middle of the day, Isak takes off his jeans, climbs into the other side of the bed, and goes to sleep too. 

\----- 

At 3am, Isak is awoken by something nudging at his back.  He’s drifted in and out of sleep a few times since the afternoon, getting up to have a snack and brush his teeth and text Even’s parents to let them know everything is good, but he’s still had more than enough sleep by that point, so he’s not really groggy as he rolls over and finds Even staring at him, big blue eyes hooded but more present than they have been since Isak got back.

In the dim light of the streetlamps outside filtering through their blinds, Isak watches as Even’s mouth opens and closes a few times, like he’s trying to get some words out but doesn’t know how.  Isak doesn’t push, or try to butt in; he just loosely twines his fingers around Even’s wrist so their hands are joined between their bodies, and waits. 

Eventually, Even pushes out in a scratchy, quiet voice, “Pasta?” 

So Isak goes and gets two kinds of pasta from the fridge, and they sit up in bed, Isak in his boxers, Even in a hoodie and sweats and three pairs of socks and two blankets, and they eat pasta together.  Even chews slowly, like he’s not much tasting the food, and occasionally Isak has to offer him a piece from his own fork to keep the process going, but he  _ does  _ eat.  And he eats the one with the vegetables, too.

After they’re done, Isak goes and dumps the tupperwares in the sink before crawling back into bed, kissing Even’s pasta-saucey lips.

“Feel good?” he asks, not really expecting an answer.  Even just looks him right in the eyes, and to Isak, that definitely feels like enough.

\-----

The next day, they don’t do much of anything at all.  Even gets up in the morning to pee and brush his teeth, which seems like a victory, even if he does go right back to bed afterwards.  He lies down, and Isak sits up against the pillows next to him, biology textbook in his lap.  He balances his laptop halfway down the bed and brings up Netflix, starting at the beginning of a sitcom he knows Even has seen a hundred times and just letting the episodes run through.  Maybe Even’s watching and maybe he isn’t, but it feels nice to have the background noise. 

Isak actually manages to read three whole chapters and get two worksheets done, all sat up in bed like that.  At lunchtime, Even’s stomach rumbles -- he doesn’t say anything about it, but Isak goes to the kitchen and gets a bowl of dry cereal, because simple food still seems good and they’re also still out of milk. 

This time, Even eats without much fuss.  When Isak sits back down with another book after lunch, he notices that Even’s eyes are turned more towards the laptop, looking just a little bit more engaged in the silly show playing out on screen.   
  
Small steps, Isak thinks, smiling down at his textbook.  Small victories.

\-----

That evening, Isak remembers there’s a pizza in their terrible little freezer.  Rather than just going and making it, though, like he has been with all the other food so far, he shuffles down the bed and looks Even in the eyes and asks, “Do you want pizza for dinner?”

He’s been trying not to talk too much all day.  He knows that to Even, the idea of just  _ responding  _ to words can be completely draining when he’s depressed, and that even having someone chattering without expecting a vocal response can be a bit exhausting, just because he feels like he needs to be focused on that.  He knows, because Even has told him.  Isak still feels like he’s not doing well at this, like he’s not as good at taking care of Even as Even always is at taking care of him, but it helps infinitely that he and Even have had so many honest discussions about their feelings in the last year.  Even might not be able to talk about it right  _ now,  _ but Isak at least has Even’s own words to reference.  He at least has a clue.

Even just lays there for a few minutes, looking back at Isak, but eventually he says, “Okay, that sounds good.”

It’s the most words in a row Isak has heard him speak in three days.  Isak smiles, and leans forwards to kiss his forehead.

He makes pizza, and they eat it in bed.  Even still isn’t talking much, and he still looks tired and not like himself, but he does reach out and change what’s playing on Netflix when the first show finishes.  

Isak loves him so much it hurts. 

\-----

For most of the time they’ve been living together, their sleep schedule has been ridiculously healthy, so it’s all too obvious that they’re both out of sync now.  Even has of course been sleeping long, strange hours, because the lack of sleep in his manic episode always takes so much out of him that he needs to catch up on rest afterwards, and also just because that’s what the depression makes him want to do.  But Isak has been sleeping in the day just to keep Even company -- so that night, they’re once again both awake as the clock blinks 3:52.

It should feel odd, or wrong, to be awake so early and not feel tired, but it’s actually fine.  Isak has always liked the middle of the night.  There’s something soothing about imagining the whole rest of the city fast asleep, and feeling like there’s nothing outside, feeling like the whole world has dropped away.  He hopes it’s just as calming for Even right now as it always was on the long nights Isak couldn’t sleep, back when his insomnia was bad. 

It’s a pretty mild night, so Isak is just lying in his t-shirt and boxers, on his side so he can face Even on the bed.  For the first time in ages, Even has actually emerged from his duvet cocoon, presumably because it got too hot in all the clothes he’s wearing as well.  He hasn’t changed since they came back from his parents’, so he’s smelling pretty sweaty by this point.  Of course, Isak’s a teenage boy and the two of them have been living together plenty of time to not be bothered by a bit of stinkiness, but still, he wonders if Even might feel like a shower in the morning.  Usually everything seems better after a shower.   

“How are you feeling?” Isak asks, quiet, into the darkness around them.  He hears Even swallow, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, and then Even rolls a little bit closer to him across the bed.  Isak knows this isn’t an easy-fix kind of state, but still, every small step forwards, every tiny thing that makes it feel like Even is coming back to him, seems like cause for a parade.  He moves closer to Even as well.

“Not great,” Even says.  His words are slow and his throat sounds rough, but at least his voice doesn’t seem so hesitant anymore.  “A bit better.”

Isak nods.  He can’t exactly relate, but watching Even like this, he really  _ hopes  _ he’s beginning to understand how it all works.  

“Can I kiss you?”

He’s been dropping kisses onto Even’s hands and shoulders and forehead and nose, sure, but somehow in that moment it feels like he should ask.  While Even considers it, Isak shifts closer so their heads are resting on the same pillow, noses almost touching.

“In this minute,” Even finally agrees, and Isak smiles.  He pushes his chin forwards, brushing their mouths together for the simplest little kiss.  It drags on for a while. 

Probably more than a minute later, he draws back, and looks at Even some more.  There’s something Isak’s been wanting to say, but he’s not sure if now is the right time, if Even is still feeling exhausted just from the idea of listening to anyone, if saying anything heartfelt will be pointless right now because Even is still feeling so low.  But in that moment, lying together in the dark, the rest of the world a million miles away, Isak thinks the moment feels right.

“Baby,” he whispers, reaching one hand up to cup the side of Even’s face.  “I just wanted to say thank you.”

Even stares at him, questions in his big sad eyes.  “For what?  Aren’t I --” He clears his throat, and his voice comes out almost rueful, but in more of a sad way than an amused one.  “Aren’t I the one who should be thanking _you?”_  

Isak shakes his head, adamant, and presses closer to Even across the pillows. 

“No.  I -- I’m the one who should be saying it.  Thank you so much for letting me be here.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  I’m sorry if I don’t know how to do any of this perfectly, but I love taking care of you.  I love  _ you.   _ And even when I’m getting it wrong, you never give up on our relationship, and -- Even.  You’re just so strong.  So brave.  I’m so lucky that I get to know you.  To see every side of you.  I just wanted -- I just wanted to tell you, how thankful I am.”

Isak’s words fall into the space around them, lingering much longer than his voice does, but he doesn’t think they’ve been badly received.  Maybe he should have waited to say all that, for a time when Even was ready to hold a proper conversation about their relationship; but then again, Isak doesn’t think that’s the sort of thing that needs a conversation.  It’s just something he needed to say, and he’s happy he has said it.  He knows they’re young -- nobody will ever quit reminding him -- and that their relationship isn’t gonna always be smooth sailing.  But there is nothing,  _ nothing,  _ that he has ever felt more grateful for than the fact that he knows Even, and Even’s strength has shaped so much of who Isak is now proud to be.

After a while, Even just breathes out, “I love you.”

“I love you,” Isak agrees, voice soft.   

Even leans forwards just the tiniest bit, and Isak takes it as a cue to kiss him again.  No, nothing is perfect.  But in that minute, they are safe in their bed, safe in each other’s arms, and Isak just feels  _ hope. _

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed it or have any thoughts, pls leave a comment and let me know ❤️ and thanks for reading!
> 
> also on my tumblr [here](http://milominderbindered.tumblr.com/post/162064988521/thirty-days-of-skam-fic-day-sixteen-aka-isak)❤️


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